I don’t have the “Time Hop” app, but Facebook has the “On This Day” app and I have been constantly caught off guard/amazed by these reminders.

Large amounts of snow seem to fall around the same weeks each year.

People who have passed away are suddenly pictured…

Reminders of illness (which, also seem to happen around the same day/week each year), fatigue, triumph, and joy flicker onto my screen.

Patterns and cycles emerge… and it is uncanny!

The Broncos went to the Super Bowl for each of my daughters’ 1st Super Bowls! (Feb 2014 and Feb 2016) (This time, winning! 🙂 )

My older daughter caught her 1st cold EVER on Super Bowl Sunday 2014, had a cold LAST year during this week, AND has a cold THIS year during the Super Bowl!!

Last week we got about 17 inches of snow in my part of Colorado, and there were multiple years (going back to 2007), of crazy snow and wind chills.

And I’m kinda grateful that such an app exists.

I have journaled since I was in 3rd grade, but more diligently starting in 6th grade… but I don’t often take time to regularly read through my journals and compare dates.

The little moments I’ve posted about with my husband, daughters, and friends… bring such joy!

And the sad memories of loss, trial, and frustration… such pain.

I just thought I would share how my life feels a little richer remembering these.

It’s the small things.

Happy Monday!

Washington State, Pacific Ocean                 Copyright Aris Greene (2011)

Ugh.

I feel heavy. And not JUST because I’ve recently put on a few of the pounds I’d lost in October, or the two days worth of milk in my chest.

I haven’t written in a while.

I’ve been busy cleaning boogers, and worrying about babies breathing at night. And dealing with fevers. And middle-of-the-night Emergency Room visits. And growth spurts. And Christmas. And chicken pox. And debit card fraud. And mourning our 12 year old dog, Scarlett’s, death. (And trying to explain THAT to a very observant and intuitive 2.5 year old.) And purging baby stuff that I’ll never use again. And weaning my 11 month old (who will be 1 in 3 days). And working on my marriage. And preparing for the Superbowl. (GO BRONCOS!!!) And preparing for that first birthday party. And watching the snow fall. And having lunch-time dance parties.

It’s a lot. And I’ve not had many chances to process it all. (At least through writing, which I find especially cleansing.)

I’ve withheld writing here because, sometimes, life isn’t all roses, and springtime, or cozy nights by the fire. But I also know so many people who are truly suffering with much bigger problems, and so I feel guilty writing about these things.

But I think I am done feeling that way.

I want to un-apologetically write about my life. To be free to put that out there. I want to write about my babies, and how these growing pains are tearing me up. I want to write about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt I bought myself in December and how  3rd-grade-Aris got a huge kick out of that.

And I think I’m going to.

Delighting in the moments these past two months has been a challenge! There have been some moments I would never wish to re-visit again.

But there have been many moments mixed in there that I will revisit for the rest of my life.

And, you guys…. I think that is why I need to start writing about both kinds of moments.

Because… those awful, awful minutes make those beautiful ones… soooo much more amazing.

Through it all, God is good.

A month ago today, my “Mamaw” ( my dad’s mom) passed away.

I’ve been blessed to have had 32 years without a death in my immediate family tree (if that makes sense). Up until last month, I had lived my life with four grandparents. And my Mamaw was part of a two person set… Mamaw and Papaw.

She rode on back of a Honda Gold Wing motorcycle with my Papaw, and they traveled across the nation almost every year. Their last trip was exactly 9 years ago- 4 days from now (the weekend Jared asked me to be his wife.) Their trip ended abruptly, when Mamaw had to have emergency surgery on some part of her bowels and Papaw had to have stints put in one or two of his main arteries- while on the road!! Thankfully they were near my family in Colorado, and they both spent time recovering at my parent’s house. But the Gold Wing went home to Florida on the back of a trailer, and I’m pretty sure that was its last road trip.

I was her oldest grandchild… and couldn’t say M’ma so, I was responsible for Mamaw.

She loved cats, Garfield, and turquoise and silver jewelry. Her Christmas tree was decorated with southwest flair and chili lights. She made Papaw his dinners and lunches, and the last meal she ever cooked for me was a coke and onion soup pot roast with potatoes… but cooked it in an oven and not a crock pot.

She drank Ocean Spray cranberry juice to help with her bladder, and the only time we had it in our fridge, was when Mamaw and Papaw were coming to visit. And she never ate nuts, cause of the IBS. (Oh the little pieces of information we remember about our family!)

As a child, I was jealous of friends with the stereo-typical, white-haired grandma who baked cookies and wore aprons. Because neither of my grandmothers were like that. And Mamaw definitely wasn’t, but it turns out, that was ok…. even “cool”.

She remembered every single birthday. I always got a birthday card from her and some money. And though this year was probably the first year her card for me was late (in April), she sent money for me and both of my girls, to cover their birthdays too. One of the last things I have from her are my daughter’s names in her handwriting.

When my dad told us she was gone… my mind raced to the last time I had contact with her… I mostly wrote cards and letters to keep in touch, sending updated pictures as my family grew. With the recent birth of our youngest, I had finally sent the birth announcement and family pictures to her within the last two weeks. I breathed a sigh, because I knew she’d gotten them.

Two years before, I had taken my older daughter to Florida to get 4 generation pictures taken. Even though I was scared of the long journey and being a new mom, I KNEW I had to go. And I’m so glad I did. The night I got that photo, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. I watched Papaw help her into the truck after dinner. I remember watching it and knowing I should remember this. (At the time, Papaw’s health was declining rapidly, and I didn’t know if I would see him again.) But as it turns out, that was the last time I saw my Mamaw.

She held my older baby in her arms… and my younger baby’s photo in her hands.

And there is this void… like a puzzle piece missing- that I’ll never find or be able to put into place again, this side of Heaven. It’s uncomfortable. It’s sad. And even though we weren’t the closest example of a grandmother/granddaughter relationship…. her presence and influence are woven throughout my life.

She is missed.

Two years and a couple of days ago, I had no children. I was very, VERY pregnant with our first daughter… but I had not yet experienced life with a child. Fast forward two years, and here I am with a two-year-old and an almost 3 month old.

I knew that life would be completely different with a baby. But honestly, I had no idea what that meant.

I didn’t know that my heart would swell so big, from so much love, that I was in a constant state of “almost crying” for MONTHS. Just from being so happy.

I didn’t know that the physical pain and exhaustion of my first daughter’s 43 hour labor would be NOTHING compared to the pain I feel when she gets hurt, or sad, or sick, or starts learning those hard “life is NOT fair” lessons. (Though I try to be as fair as humanly possible at home.)

I didn’t know that spit up, poop, boogers, diapers, and urine…. AREN’T that big of a deal. They were before.

I didn’t know I could be a “Mama-Bear”. And not the cuddly kind in the storybooks. But the rip-your-face-off-if-you-even-look-at-my-child-wrong, kind of Mama Bear. And I’m sure my husband will tell you, I’m kinda scary-awesome at it. (Not that I’ve had to rip anyone’s face off.)

I didn’t know how long germs would be a BIG deal. And unlike other mothers, who grow out of their “germophobia” as the number of their children increases…. Mine has gotten WORSE. I didn’t know that it was possible to battle illness. And friends, I go to WAR for my family’s health. I make no apologies.

I didn’t know how it could be possible to love the first kid SOOOO much and then be able to love the second kid SOOOO much too!

I didn’t know how much change a child goes through those first two years, until I lived them. So much growth. So much change. So much sadness over time passing, while  enthusiastically celebrating milestones of growth and development. At the same time.

I didn’t understand that this constant looking toward the future, appreciating the present, and longing for the past would be so emotional. And now I “get” why my mom started crying about my graduating from college… when I was in 7th or 8th grade. I miss my firstborn as a baby, but am so proud of the little lady she is becoming… these days are so precious. ( I knew they would be.)

But most of all, I didn’t know how suddenly sadness could overcome me while cleaning up after two-year-old’s Hello Kitty party! (I mean, seems kinda ridiculous to be sad after something so fun!) That as I would be cleaning up plates and forks, and ribbon, and wrinkled wrapping paper, and remembering her expressions of delight eating cake and ice cream…. that it would suddenly dawn on me that, God-willing, I only have 16 birthdays left. 16 birthdays while she is my dependent child, living in my house, while we live in the same house, town, state… same country…. While she doesn’t have the responsibilities of her own house and family and babies….

So, here’s to all the things I didn’t know, all the things I’m still learning, and celebrations that become just a little bit sweeter when you put them into perspective.

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet, sweet girl! You are so loved!

In exactly 5 minutes, I’ll be 32 years old.

WOW.

Exactly 2 years ago, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I was 35 weeks pregnant with my 1st child… and had no idea the kind of adventure I was about to embark on.

Now, two years later, I have a 23 month old and a 2 month old! My heart bursts with more love than I thought was possible. I have been (and continue to be) more exhausted, more delighted, and have unintentionally touched more vomit, poop, and pee than I ever could have imagined.

I have been grateful for it all.

Here’s to another year of life and what it may bring!

#ilovemyfamily #lessvomitwouldbeok #timecouldslowdownalittle

I know the name of my blog is ‘Delighting in Each Moment’.

And here’s the truth, sometimes that’s REALLY hard to do.

Like… nearly impossible.

Like when you find out a friend from college died yesterday, due to injuries sustained in a car accident.

A person who couldn’t make an enemy, even if he tried. (Not that he would.)

And if you read my last post, it doesn’t even matter that I hadn’t spoken to him in the last 9 years. (But gosh… I WISH it hadn’t been so long.)

This guy was gifted. He could sing, act, play the piano and trombone… and he did it all VERY well! He was HILARIOUS. We went to movies and watched CSI together, we’d talk and walk… and do awful impersonations… and laugh!

His laugh sounded EXACTLY like Crispin Glover as George McFly in the first Back to the Future movie. (I will always think of him when I hear that laugh. Always.)

He told stories of deer that could kill you with their hooves, and then ACT IT OUT! (Just thinking about that dinner conversation and how hard we all laughed… makes my lips smile and my eyes tear up simultaneously.)

He was part of a group of us who desperately wanted to see the movie ‘Chicago’, while our Wind Ensemble was in Chicago for the 2003 Band Tour. And we did. And it was AWESOME. 🙂

As each memory resurfaces, another one gets triggered. Some are big, and some are simple. But each one is woven into my college experience. I’m grieving today, with so many people who loved Matt too. He was and IS loved.

I miss him.

I am sad that a chance to reconnect isn’t possible, this side of Heaven.

But the peace and hope I have from knowing that I WILL see him again… is wonderful.

And THAT, is how I am delighting in THIS moment.

So, just in case you and I haven’t talked in a while… there is something you need to know about me: however we left our friendship when life took its inevitable twists and turns , however we parted ways, I somehow STILL feel as connected to you- as if no time has passed. (Which might sound creepy, but I mean it sincerely. 🙂 )

I don’t know, maybe it’s the military kid in me… having to move all those times. I never really “out grew” friends, because the next move usually coincided with a natural life transition. End of elementary school, end of middle school, high school and then college graduations…. we all moved on with our lives and met new people. We’ve all changed in one way or another, and proximity (especially all of those long distances) takes its toll… unless a lot of effort is made. ( I am so guilty of not being as active in keeping up with friendships that I hold very dear.)

But in my mind (and my heart) I remember, quite vividly, what our friendship used to look like. And it still feels as real to me now as it did back then.

For the record, I was this way BEFORE Facebook made this “false sense of friendship” even EASIER. I DO realize that an important component of friendship is some kind of active involvement.

But I open my middle school photo albums, and I’m right back there. Braces and glasses and bad, self-inflicted bang trims and talking about boys and Bible quiz meets. The awkwardness, the drama… my friends at school and church. The high school pictures of marching band put that annoying Texas pride right back in my spirit… as well as jog my memory of the hot, sticky, sweat in those awful marching band uniforms. How CCU band tour memories were some of the best moments of my life! And not just performing on stage (although amazing), but the late nights of playing Mafia, the awesome bus rides, exploring Chicago, Juarez, Albuquerque, and all of the home-stays. And the memories go on and on… (Japan, TBarM Camp, Germany)

But I don’t always let you know, Dear Facebook Friend, how excited I get when you or your family is going through something awesome!  I’m also not so great at expressing how I’m mourning right along with you, when something awful or sad happens. Sometimes, I feel things so deeply, I’m afraid it would probably come off as awkward. Especially since it may have been a DECADE since we last spoke.

But now I want to get specific. Because this post was triggered by something that happened yesterday, but that I found out about today. One of my dearest middle school friends, whom I have not had much contact with in a very long time, lost her sweet 3 year old son yesterday. From what I’ve gathered (via facebook) it was completely sudden and unexpected. He went to sleep for his afternoon nap, and just… never woke up.

I am sincerely not trying to make her loss about me. My heart is breaking for my friend. The grief I feel and the tears I’ve shed are real. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and cry with her. Even though I know almost nothing about her current life, how she’s changed, etc etc… I keep picturing this 11 year old girl that I knew and cared about… because we were good friends, once, a long time ago. I’m mourning that girl too, not just her loss. Because (I imagine) something like this changes you forever.

So, Dear Facebook Friend… now you know. I still cherish our memories. (Yes, even the ones from 25 years ago!) Transitions happen. Friends come and go… because we all change, grow up, and move on. And I know that it is completely healthy and natural, BUT it doesn’t mean I care any less about your life.

Ok, so the whole “Schrodinger’s Cat” example (in a very short explanation) supposes there is a cat inside a box. It is either alive or dead. You don’t know which until you open the box… and, until that happens, the cat is both alive AND dead at the same time because there is the possibility that each outcome is true. (I’m sure there is a much better explanation out there on Google… but it’s 10:36 pm.)

I hit 19 weeks tomorrow. Wow. It’s gone a lot faster this time around. ( The distraction of running after, feeding, and changing a 16 month old… figuring out her constantly changing sleep/nap schedule…. all while trying not to throw-up, will do that…. I guess.)

Big news this week, is that I’ve DEFINITELY been feeling the little person move and kick! Which is actually more reassuring to me (as a healthy pregnancy sign) than the doctors say my all-day morning sickness is.

Anyway, back to the cat…

As I get closer and closer to my gender ultrasound, I am getting more and more excited as I imagine this little person who is getting ready to join our family.

To complete our family.

And I can imagine it in two different ways. One is a very familiar, very comfortable dynamic. Three ladies with one man of the house. I grew up with that. I KNOW that. And I get very excited hoping for something resembling what I cherish in my own memories of my childhood. The other is VERY alien to me… but just as exciting. It would be an adventure exploring uncharted territory. And Dear Husband would get some added testosterone. Based on the questions and suppositions of strangers who are hoping we “get one of each”, perhaps it WILL be the best of both worlds.

Both of these realities are possible. And so, for the next 18 days, until we open that box… I have both. I have a little girl and a little boy.

Yeah, I know I said I’d get better about blogging.

(By the way, this is (almost) exactly how I start almost EVERY hand-written journal entry.)

But the truth is, life has been happening. 🙂 Just in the past two months there have been memories made, growth, joy, and tears.

And there is a growing guilt. I’m wanting to document it all, so I can remember it for always. But the more I get behind, taking pictures, printing pictures, scrapbooking, journaling….etc etc, the more overwhelmed I feel. It’s the “type A” in me. It is very hard for me to start a movie and not finish it, or jump into the middle of a tv series without watching the preceding episodes first.

So let me start by writing about a few things I’d put off writing about:

*Kotooshu (co-toh-oh-shoo), one of my favorite sumo wrestlers, suddenly retired in the middle of the May tournament. It came as a much bigger blow that I thought it would. It’s been 10 years since my first visit to Japan, when I “met” this Bulgarian on the Trim’s t.v. set. And I think his retirement is just a reminder that I am growing older and getting farther away from my time in Japan. Which is sad. I mourned sumo’s loss…. and sumo changing…. and injuries…. And my love for Japan increased. (Man, I can’t wait to complete THAT scrapbook! Which is somewhere in a storage box downstairs.)

*I had my first “roadside experience”, after my radiator hose burst – leaving a 3 inch hole. By the grace of God, I was able to pull into a safe rest area in the “Middle of Nowhere” Texas. And while USAA roadside assistance was useless… Darling Husband came to my rescue finding an amazing tow/repair guy from Quannah, Texas. (Which I guess, is where I WAS.) Girlie was a trooper and had no idea how dire the circumstance was at one point. She enjoyed the white butterflies covering a lavender bush, the bright green caterpillar inching along the sidewalk, and the birds next to the small pond. (This was a quality rest area!) The Lord took care of us and we had a safe place to sleep, repairs were made (by the self proclaimed “Last honest tow-truck guy in America”), repair costs were very reasonable, and no one went hungry. 🙂 But I wouldn’t wish that situation on ANYONE.

*My first high school band director (because I went to two different high schools) passed away at 67 years old. He was a great man and I can’t even begin to describe how he impacted my music journey. I desperately wanted to go to the funeral, but wasn’t able to. I found comfort in contacting old band members via facebook. (Who also weren’t able to go.) We remembered our Texas State championship glory days, and all things that go along with the Texas heat and wool marching band uniforms. (Seriously, you haven’t sweated till you’ve worn t-shirt, shorts, BLACK socks, all UNDER the suspender-ed woolen pants – that come up to your chest, and a shoulder-pad-filled, double lined top that has an additional front flap, with a stiff priest-like collar and a fashionable leather, plumed hat with a plastic chin strap…. all in 100 degree heat and 90% humidity.) Yes… lifetime bonds were forged in those conditions. 🙂

And there are more things I’ll have to share another time… because Girlie is about to wake up from her nap and want lunch.

Because, just when you think being a mom couldn’t get any weirder…

From conception, to pregnancy, to birth, and a “happily ever after”…. there are tips, tricks, lists, do’s and don’ts, wives tales, myths, etc… etc…

For someone who likes: black and white, right and wrong, and a+b=c “formulas” for life, I’ve had my fair share of frustration. I like to feel in control. I like cause and effect. (I just know God had a little chuckle the day I got pregnant.)

In the realm of babies, the fact that they cannot be ‘solved’ is nothing new. Every baby is different. What works today, may not necessarily work tomorrow. With every new phase there is something new to learn.

I am in the phase of weaning. And never mind the work it took to produce enough food for my baby. Now it’s time to tell my body to STOP. 

Cue: Pain.

So I reached out to a few fellow moms. They recommended cabbage leaves and peppermint tea. Which sounds a bit crazy. (Sounds a  little ‘tin foil hat’ to me, actually.) But what the heck… I decided it couldn’t get any worse.

Never – not once – did I EVER picture myself putting cabbage leaves in my bra and then sipping peppermint tea, when I saw those two pink lines.

But here I am.

So, there you go.

Kids change all kinds of things…even (and especially) your underwear.