I used to leave EVERYTHING that needed to be done until the last day.

Which usually ends up with me staying up till 2 AM, and waking up at 5 AM a VERY sleepy driver in need of multiple Amp energy drinks.

I’m proud to  say, NOT THIS TIME!! Granted, today has not completed it’s craziness… and I DID stay up till 3 AM last night, which resulted in not hearing my church alarm clock this morning. (FAIL)

However, now that I’ve left a reasonable amount of work to do today… I’m not as stressed… which leaves more time for contemplation.

There is something so wonderful about the day before a journey, and it is this:

It hasn’t happened yet.

The anticipation, the expectation, the excitement… nothing has had a chance to go wrong… like a blank page that has all the potential in the world. It could either be a masterpiece, or a frustrating mess, but before that first mark is made, it still could be anything.

And not to sound too depressed, but once that trip starts you start filling in the memories at lightning speed…  day by day… until you are heading home.

And not that home is a horrible place. But let’s be honest, it’s not a cabin in the woods… two minutes away from the ocean. (At least my house isn’t.)

In the spirit of “living in the moment”… here’s to the day BEFORE the journey, and all the wonderful memories this vacation will add to my life story.

I turn 28 on Wednesday.

I’m all kinds of mixed emotions about that.

I’m sitting here, my last 26.5 hours left of being 27… and I’m thinking of my 18th birthday.

10 years ago….

School was fun that day. I wore khaki pants and a white peasant top, with my hair in a bun of curls. I went to dinner with a group of friends from my Spanish II class, and then rushed home to get ready for my pentathlon birthday party. Of course I’d stayed a bit longer than I’d planned at the dinner… I was always late getting places.

My friends came in the door… we played games. One involving a VERY tall ladder in the middle of our vaulted ceiling living room. There was a boy there I liked, (maybe even two) and we had a Carvel ice cream cake. And it was a GREAT party!

But my mind was thinking about a phone call I’d received before I left for dinner…

a friend wouldn’t be coming to my party… because another friend was dead.

In the most surprising, selfish way that a person can die… and for medical, chemical or other reasons otherwise unknown… one of the most sincere, passionate, happy, friendly, joy-filled people I’ve ever met…. took his life on April 6, 2001 at only 18 years of age.

It was my first real death…no one else I’d ever known had died.

I’d never before, or since, seen a dead body… the lifeless shell that used to be my friend.

And I personally believe that my friend is in Heaven. He knew Jesus.

I prayed the entire next week, that God would tell him everything I hadn’t said. Only after I started repeating myself, I realized, God knew… and He didn’t need me to say it twice. I will see my friend again someday.

And after 10 years, I wonder what his life would have looked like.

Mine certainly surprised me!

I graduated from college with a degree in MUSIC.

I went on a mission trip to JAPAN the summer before my senior year of college, which led to my year long abroad the year after I graduated, which led to my subsequent love of SUMO.

I was a CAMP COUNSELOR for two summers.

I changed from a very social butterfly, with lots of “friends”, to a homebody, with few CLOSE friends.

I still love CSI: Las Vegas… which has also been present in the past 10 years.

I was married at age 23 and was an Aunt by age 24 (again at 26… and soon be two more times this summer!)

I have more pets than I thought possible, and my need/desire for children wanes (although, to be honest, 10 years ago… I felt the same way)

I worked as a PARA in kindergarten for three years followed by 2 years in SPED.

I have watched every STAR TREK episode and movie ever made.

I learned to crochet, make oboe reeds, fly around the world, speak Japanese (well, sorta), and drive across the country solo.

My hunger for life, thirst for joy, and desire to love and be loved has multiplied.

I love to plan vacations… and I barely make it home before I am planning the next one.

In 10 years…. I have lived.

I’ve seen sadness, joy, jealousy, frustration, love, indifference, happiness, anger, peace, selfishness, selflessness, patience, gentleness, pain, gluttony, sloth, kindness and death.

10 years have passed… I will see people this summer that I haven’t seen since the day I sat in my green cap and gown… KNOWING that life was about to change. It made me sad then, just as it does now, that nothing repeats itself perfectly… identically, a second time.

This might seem macabre for a birthday. 28 , after all, has my favorite #8 in it. And it will be the last year that I don’t have to worry about the dreaded and foul curse word that begins with th—-.

As for my last day of 27, I will spend it thinking, and thanking God for my blessings and life.

Nevermind that I do not currently share the title “mother” with other women in this country…

I saw an ad in the Walmart flyer for “Mother’s Day Gifts For You at unbeatable prices – Britney Spears Circus Fantasy perfume.”

Walmart, I usually love you, but…

SERIOUSLY?

Who is this for?? Is Britney making some sort of comeback where mothers over the age of 30 would LOVE this as a gift??!!

And what’s with the name? Circus? The very word conjures up memories of stale popcorn, animals, hay and poop. (I mean, let’s be honest.) None of which smell… even remotely GOOD.

It’s like naming a perfume “Zoo”, “Hospital”, or “Kennel”.

Thank goodness FTD saved the day, with a beautiful ad full of VERY affordable flowers…

Fouth Grader #1: Mrs. Greene?? Do you have any kids??

Me: No, not yet. Maybe next year.

Fourth Grader#2: HAHAHAHA that’s FUNNY Mrs. Greene!!

Me: Why is that??

Fourth Grader #2 : Cause you are like 18 years old!!

Me: no I’m not, I’m 27.

Fourth Graders all around me:  WOW/Oh my gosh/ WHAT!?!?!/ You are SO OLD!!!

NICE.

I’m sitting on my bed right now. It’s 7:30 am on Sunday morning. The weather has been positively GORGEOUS the past few days… blessing me with dark gray, overcast skies and the occasional snowfall. My favorite kind of snow is falling now… “movie snow”. These are large flakes – maybe the size of marbles – and they are falling gently to the ground.

Perfect.

I am blessed to be warm and cozy inside my house, typing on my new, purple, Dell laptop. I have a lot of things that I am thankful for in life, but these little moments are too fleeting… and I wish to pause and appreciate them more.

Japan is around the corner! A month from now, I should be sipping hot, green tea while watching sumo. SO EXCITED! I have yet to fix the name on my passport, but that should be taken care of tomorrow.

My Texas/Florida trip is shaping up nicely too!! That will be two weeks in June, seeing mostly family and hopefully a few friends!

And my Washington/Oregon trip is starting to take shape too!! I’ve already booked a “cabin/house” for 5 evenings of my stay. It’s between Forks and La Push beach! I am so excited!!

Something I thought of after I planned all this… I will basically be doing a diagonal drive across America this summer. I will see each of the 4 time zones within 1 month, AND I will be doing it all DRIVING. I know I haven’t been very good about posting pictures, but I will get better about that this summer. After all, there will be lots to see!!

Dear Xanga,

Today I participated in the 2010 Jump Rope for Heart at my school.

The last time I jumped for ANY heart was in 1994… in 5th grade. In honor of my 90’s heritage, I wore a neon pink hair scrunchie in my ponytail. 🙂 (Not on the side, though… I thought about it.)

It was pretty cool watching these kids jump rope! It was nostalgic for me, since I had accumulated at least 100 hours of said activity during lunch recesses in my early education years. 🙂

___________________________________________________________________________________

In other news, it has now been snowing continuously since Sunday morning. I love it so much!

I’ve read a couple of blogs lately where the authors mention things they like. Things that bring them joy in an otherwise dark world. There’s a lot of stress right now, at work… and so, it wouldn’t hurt to dwell on the little things that make us happy.

Here are mine:

1. Green lights all the way to work… especially when I’m late.

2. Singing loudly to the radio, with the window down… on a spring day, when the weather has finally turned warm and things are turning green.

3. Finding a friend on facebook that I haven’t talked to in years.

4. All things SUMO. 🙂

5. When my cats come up and cuddle at night… and start purring.

6. Watching the snow fall… specifically, the large puffy flakes (movie snow), while at home in front of a warm fire.

7. Evenings during December when the lights on the tree are the only light in the room, and sitting next to it, sipping tea.

8. Actually waking up and doing an hour on the treadmill… well, I have joy AFTER it’s over. 🙂

9. Snowdays, or any other days where I get to stay home and veg.

10. And evening with good friends playing board games and laughing.

11. Driving anywhere, alone. Specifically long trips.

12. Surprise conversations with people I enjoy! Chatting, email or otherwise.

13. Little animals… especially rodents. They are just SO CUTE!!!

14. Mail. The old fashioned kind! Give me a hand-written letter any day!!!

15. When my husband makes dinner for me… 🙂 He is so great!

16. Clean laundry.

17. A clean house!!!

18. Opening a new planner and all the hope it brings for the new year ahead.

And last but not least… Little moments where I am truly at peace with who I am, what I am doing, and where my life is going.

For those of you who don’t know Matthew West…. let me say this…. you SHOULD.

While I’m not usually a huge fan of the sub-par garbage that the Christian music industry exposes the world to… the songs on this album really spoke to me… well, one song in particular.

And I liked it the moment I heard it (almost a year ago). But given my recent state of mind/transformation/finding of passion… it didn’t really affect me as profoundly as it could have until now.

Here are the lyrics to the song “Motions”… aka, my new anthem for 2010.

The Motions by Matthew West

This might hurt; it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care, if I break,
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming, passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

No regrets, not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (’cause I don’t wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I’m finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

I don’t wanna go through the motions

Jared and I had a long talk on Wednesday. About everything and nothing…( you know how those conversations go. ) It blows my mind that two and a half years have passed since we promised forever to each other. And that third anniversary is just around the corner.

I am 26 years old, and the same things I have struggled with in high school are still there. The heart of the struggle is the same… though the titles may have changed.

At my core, I deeply need to feel passion for what I do. I need to feel like I am making an impact, or difference, or that I matter. I need to feel special. And perhaps, after all my years loving God… I have a God shaped hole I have still not filled with Him. Whatever the reason, I feel like my life needs more. More of everything. More music, more people, more commitment, more selflessness… And I know where I need to start, but it is a scary prospect to let God lead you. Faith has lead to some crazy things in my life… and if you let Him, He’ll rock your world. He will pluck you out of your comfort zone and drop you into something better.

Harder??  Very possible. Challenging?? Very PROBABLE. Good for you??? Always. 

So, here I am. I have a husband who loves me, supports me, and would do anything for me. I was blessed to come from a loving family and married into an equally loving and giving one. I own a house and have my own mini-zoo at home. I am blessed to have close friends that I can share anything with, and who love me anyway. I have the perfect environment to put my faith in God.

And should the lesson I need to learn, be that I fall flat on my face, broken… I will be ok.

Ok, so don’t make fun of me… some of the music choices may seem adolescent. If you DO feel like mocking, remember… I fully expected it.

Every now and then I stumble across an album that really hits a nerve. 4 years ago, the week before I left for Japan, I bought the first Kelly Clarkson C.D. And I’ll tell you what, when 9 out of 12 songs explore something that is actually happening to you – or something you are still hurting from, I call that amazing. (Heck, even liking HALF the songs on an entire album of ANY genre is rare.) I listened to that C.D., every day, for 365 days, until I came home for good. It never got old. And I can still listen to it and get that rush of ” it’s a sunny day, driving with the windows down, blaring the music, and singing at the top of your lungs” feeling.

It  FEELS great to listen to it.

But that was four years ago, and my life has changed a lot since then. I am no longer mourning a boyfriend who broke up with me (and then realized his error and asked me back ). I am not “Breaking Away”. NO longer am I pursuing a fuller life experience by living in a foreign country, 6000 miles away from everything I love, and needed to get away from. I am not trying to prove I can do anything, because I have.

So I’ve been sans Soundtrack since 2006. Until Saturday.

In a totally different genre than my last soundtrack, Superchick has always represented youth, vibrancy, girl power etc. etc. I discovered them in high school, (while working in a Christian Bookstore) and their first album fit my life at the time. I even shared it with one of my best friends. Who would have thought, YEARS later, that same friend would turn me on to their latest album??? Once again, the rarity of liking 9 out of 12 songs has happened. I LOVE them. They make me FEEL… And they touch on EXACTLY what I am dealing with/wrestling with now.

And while this is starting to sound like a plug/review or persuasive essay, the bottom line… and my point:

Life is so much richer with music. It adds so much. And I am SO sad to say, I have forgotten that.

“Everybody dies but not everyone lives….”